The Secret Covert Operation
by Trojan Snail
Summary: Yusuke and the others (aka Team Yakakahak) are an a mission, but since when does infiltrating Koenma's lab include Spirit World Drugs, armies of flying oars, and the Yusuke-Mobile? HAIL LORD KOENMA! (Excel Saga parody included!)


#*#*#  
  
Hello everybody! Trojan Snail here. Felt silly---wrote this. Yes, it is a bit like Excel Saga, but that's okay since Excel Saga ROCKS. And that's all I have to say about that.  
  
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Disclaimers: Hello. We are the disclaimers. Trojan Snail disclaims any claiming that might have been claimed. This disclaimer will self-destruct in---*BOOM*  
  
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Panda Pez Dispenser: I, the Panda Pez Dispenser, give Trojan Snail my permission to write a Yu Yu Hakusho fanfiction that promises to be random and entertaining. Now, stop stalling and get on with the fic, you spedhead!  
  
#*#*#  
  
"HAIL LORD KOENMA!" Botan shouted at the top of her lungs with a hand raised high above her head. Koenma massaged his temples. He had a headache.  
  
"Botan.. " Koenma said sweetly.  
  
"Yes, Lord Koenma, incredibly short but also incredibly cute ruler of all of Spirit World, who owns a spiffy hat which I envy very much?"  
  
"WOULD YOU STOP SHOUTING?!" Koenma shouted.  
  
"What a hypocrite.." Botan said under her breath.  
  
"What was that??" Koenma asked accusingly.  
  
"Nothing, Lord Koenma!!"  
  
#*#*#  
  
"Okay, here's the plan," said Yusuke as he used a pointer to point to his audience. Kurama, Hiei, Kuwabara, and Keiko sat in fold-out chairs in front of the Spirit Detective.  
  
Yusuke smacked the pointer against a poster taped to the wall behind him with a loud thud. There was a "squeak" and a chicken fell out from behind the poster unnoticed.  
  
"We first have to infiltrate Koenma's lab," Yusuke said, just stating the obvious.  
  
"How?" Kuwabara asked, questioning the stated obvious.  
  
"Decoy," said Yusuke. He grinned at Kuwabara.  
  
"Don't grin at me like that," Kuwabara said nervously.  
  
"Well it's obvious, isn't it?" Keiko put in. "Kuwabara's going to be the decoy! Right, Yusuke? Am I right? I'm right, aren't I?"  
  
"Right you are, Keiko!" Yusuke returned.  
  
Keiko stuck out her tongue at Kuwabara. Behind her, the chicken from before wobbled to one side and fell over.  
  
Yusuke and Keiko finally noticed the diseased poultry. They turned to each other and grinned again. Kurama looked at Hiei, confused, and Hiei just shrugged.  
  
#*#*#  
  
"Botan---"  
  
"HAIL LORD KOENMA!"  
  
"Botan!!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just summon the armies."  
  
"YES, LORD KOENMA!"  
  
A gunshot went off. Koenma had shot himself the in head.  
  
"GASP! LORD KOENMA!"  
  
"Kuso!! I didn't die!!!!"  
  
"What was that, Lord Koenma??"  
  
"..Nothing."  
  
#*#*#  
  
"Okay," said Yusuke, who now had the chicken on his head. "So, after we distract them, someone's got to run in there and grab the---"  
  
"NO! I REFUSE TO WEAR THIS!" came the unmistaken voice of Kuwabara.  
  
"One moment folks," Yusuke told the others before turning to the room Kuwabara was in. "YOU'LL WEAR IT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!"  
  
"MAKE ME!"  
  
Yusuke rolled up his sleeves and disappeared into the other room.  
  
#*#*#  
  
"Chop, chop, Botan! Summon those armies!" There was a random trickle of blood coming from underneath Koenma's spiffy hat.  
  
"YES, LORD KOENMA!!" Botan saluted, then blew hard on a whistle.  
  
The doors of the room Koenma and Botan were in suddenly started shaking. There were several different pounding noises and quite a few cusses. Voices came from behind the doors.  
  
"Ah, damnit! It's stuck!"  
  
"Stand back, fools!"  
  
A loud zap resounded throughout the chamber as the door went up in flames and burnt to a crisp.  
  
"Ya know," Koenma said irritably, "there IS a doorknob."  
  
The doorknob rolled to a stop at Koenma's feet.  
  
#*#*#  
  
"Right," Yusuke said as he came back into the planning room. A puddle of blood could be seen seeping through the crack underneath the door to the other room. The others chose to disregard this.  
  
Yusuke took in a deep breath, as if to give a big speech, but instead he said, "Aw hell---let's just wing it."  
  
The others agreed.  
  
"TO THE YUSUKE-MOBILE!" shouted Yusuke. He pressed a button and everyone went shooting down a slide. Everyone except Hiei, that is. Hiei jumped at the last minute and exited through the door.  
  
Yusuke, Keiko, and Kurama (Kuwabara was no where to be found) landed in the Yusuke-Mobile, which turned out to be a lot like the Bat-Mobile, only it had Yusuke's face plastered all over it.  
  
"TO KOENMA'S LAB!" shouted Yusuke.  
  
"WOULD YOU STOP SHOUTING?!" came a random voice that the others could faintly recognize.  
  
"What a hypocrite.. " came a more feminine voice.  
  
Team Yakakahak (Yusuke and Keiko and Kurama and Hiei and Kuwabara), minus Hiei and Kuwabara, looked around to find the source of the voices, but found no one.  
  
They disregarded the occurrence.  
  
#*#*#  
  
Into Koenma's office burst not soldiers, not buff-bodied fighters, not even guys dressed as girls humming "I Feel Pretty", but flying oars, rows after rows of flying oars, similar to the one previously ridden by Botan who apparently does not ride a flying oar in this fic.  
  
"OARS?!" Koenma shouted. "Ooooo, my aching head.."  
  
"You should take Spirit World Drugs!" Botan said, looking into an unseen camera.  
  
"Spirit World Drugs?"  
  
"Spirit World Drugs!" Botan held up a conveniently-sized bottle of SWD (Spirit World Drugs..but you knew that!). "The newest sensation to hit the nation!"  
  
"We're a nation?"  
  
"No!" Botan said, perkily as ever. "But, while on Spirit World Drugs, you'll THINK we're a nation!"  
  
"Will it get rid of my headache?"  
  
"..No! But, while on Spirit World Drugs, you'll THINK it'll have gotten rid of your headache!"  
  
"Aaaaaaaaand, CUT! Print! Beautiful, baby!" A random director-type person got up from his directing chair and shouted into a bullhorn. "THAT'S A WRAP, PEOPLE!"  
  
"I'll be in my trailer!" shouted a flying oar as it ran off sobbing.  
  
"Was it something I said?" asked Koenma.  
  
#*#*#  
  
"LET'S HEAD OUT!" Yusuke shouted, pressing a button that turned the key in the ignition and started the car.  
  
"No, Hiei's not here," Kurama pointed out.  
  
"Hn," said Hiei from next to Kurama.  
  
"Oh wait, he is here," Kurama said. "We can go."  
  
"LET'S HEAD---"  
  
"What about Kuwabara?" asked Keiko, who was now really hoping that that blood from under the door was just fruit punch.  
  
"Oh, right..him.." Yusuke said absently. "Yeah..I'll go..get him.."  
  
He exited the Yusuke-Mobile and left the scene.  
  
"Well THAT wasn't suspicious in the least bit," Keiko said, beaming at the inconspicuous way her Yusuke handled the situation.  
  
#*#*#  
  
All the flying oars, Koenma, and Botan were seated around an overly-large table. Botan was passing a recent picture of Team Yakakahak to the oars.  
  
"These," Koenma said, "are the enemy. You must stop them by any means possible."  
  
Oar Number 322 looked down at the picture. One short guy was looking away and scowling, as if having his picture taken was so unbearable. Some redheaded girl with pretty green eyes had an arm draped over the scowling little guy, while another girl was practically on top of Yusuke. Duh, he knew it was Yusuke. EVERYONE knew Yusuke. Oh, and there was some other carrot-topped oaf, but no one really noticed him.  
  
"They will be trying to get the---" An oar fell over with a crash and apologized as it righted itself again. "---and you must stop them," Koenma continued as if the oar hadn't fallen over and censored out the most vital word in the sentence.  
  
Some of the oars made murmurs of agreement, since they couldn't nod, even though none of them had really been paying attention. Oar Number 126 flew a paper oar at Oar Number 58, who said "ow!! You little---" and jumped across the table.  
  
"OARS! OARS!" shouted Koenma, who, since he was on Spirit World Drugs, thought his headache had gone away. "Simmer down, y'all!"  
  
Oar Number 58, who was currently whacking Oar Number 126 with its handle, ceased his brutality long enough to pay attention to Koenma.  
  
"All right, now that I have all your attention, I have a very important---"  
  
George the Oni burst into the room.  
  
"FOOD'S HERE!"  
  
"MEETING OVER!" Koenma yelled and ran out of the room.  
  
There was a confused silence, broken only by---  
  
"HAIL LORD KOENMA!"  
  
#*#*#  
  
Yusuke returned some while later with a large black bag that he threw into the trunk. The whole car shook with the sudden added weight.  
  
"I got Kuwabara, let's go.."  
  
"THAT was Kuwa---"  
  
"LET'S GO!" Yusuke jumped over the car door in the most unnecessary way (the Yusuke-Mobile, obviously, was a convertible) and revved the engine. In a matter of seconds they had gone from zero to sixty, just like the car commercials promised! Yay!  
  
This forced the other members to hold on to the car for dear life as Yusuke sped away. Whenever he turned a corner, the team could hear something rolling around in the back.  
  
"Yusuke..?"  
  
"Ignore it, Keiko."  
  
Suddenly the vehicle came to an abrupt stop.  
  
"Why'd you stop?" asked Keiko.  
  
"We're here," Yusuke said.  
  
Team Yakakahak looked up at the building they were in front of.only to see a Kentucky Fried Chicken.  
  
"Yes, we know it's finger-lickin' good," Yusuke said irritably, "but where's the frickin' secret lab?"  
  
"If it's a SECRET lab, they wouldn't just have it out in the open, baka," Hiei pointed out intelligently.  
  
"Maybe their secret lab is concealed inside the Kentucky Fried Chicken," Kurama said, also intelligently.  
  
"But.." Keiko said, her brown eyes glistening with tears, "why would they want to corrupt such a good fast food service station?"  
  
Team Yakakahak, with the exception of Kuwabara, blinked once at Keiko.  
  
#*#*#  
  
Oar Number 1, being Number 1, took lead of the oars now that their actual leader had gone off to stuff his face.  
  
"Spread out, oars!" Oar Number 1 said officially. "Cover all grounds! We will not allow those insolent organic life forms to take Lord Koenma's---" An oar flew into a wall and started screaming.  
  
"OH MY GOD! THEY HAVE BARRIERS! WE'RE DOOMED!"  
  
Oar Number 1 slapped the oar.  
  
"Pull yourself together, oar! We have a mission!"  
  
"Yes sir.."  
  
With that, the army of oars parted and spread out over Lord Koenma's secret Kentucky Fried Chicken lab. Two oars donned British guard hats (ya know, the big tall black fluffy ones with chin straps) and stood watch at the secret entrance inside the secret Kentucky Fried Chicken's secret secret entranceway.  
  
#*#*#  
  
"You go on ahead," Yusuke told the others, "I have some..business..to..do.."  
  
Keiko clasped her hands together, her eyes love-struck. "How unobvious! He was BORN to do covert operations!"  
  
Had they not been in public and on a secret mission, Hiei would have used the kokuryuha on her that very moment.  
  
Yusuke went back to the Yusuke-Mobile as the rest of Team Yakakahak (minus, of course, the big buffoon in the trunk) entered the Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant. They looked around and immediately the two cleverly-disguised- but-not-good-enough-to-fool-our-heroes flying oars guarding when looked like the boy's bathroom.  
  
"Now why would they be guarding a boy's bathroom?" Keiko asked. Keiko liked asking a lot of questions. Only half the time did she not know the answer.  
  
"That's not a boy's bathroom, ningen," Hiei said. Obviously he had missed the large "BOY'S BATHROOM" sign that was hanging on the door.  
  
"Hiei's right," Kurama said. Man, demons sure are getting less observant these days. "Those look like Botan's oars, if I'm not mistaken. Botan, as you know, is Koenma's right-hand man---er, girl. The oars were probably sent to guard the secret entranceway to Koenma's secret lab in this secret Kentucky Fried Chicken eating establishment. Although, it really isn't that secret, since the guards have to be guarding SOMETHNG and they obviously aren't guarding the boy's bathroom, no matter what the sign may say. So, it was pretty pointless posting guards. It only gave away the secret location of the secret entranceway to---"  
  
"Kurama, shut up," said Hiei, who by now had chopped both oars into tiny pieces of wood. Black fluffy stuff from the former British guard hats was everywhere.  
  
"You couldn't have spared the British guard hats?" Kurama asked.  
  
Hiei gave him a glare before reaching inside his cloak and pulling out a British guard hat. Kurama grinned.  
  
#*#*#  
  
"Sir," said an out-of-breath flying oar messenger, who had just flown into the room where Oar Number 1 was devising a master plan. "Team Yaka---er, Yakahak---no, wait, I'll get this---"  
  
"Team Yakakahak?"  
  
"Yes, them, sir," returned the first oar. "They've found the secret entrance and killed the guards."  
  
"Gasp! How?" cried Oar Number 1. "I ordered for them to be completely unnoticeable! They were not to let the enemy know where the secret entranceway was located!"  
  
"I think the fluffy British guard hats gave them away, sir," said the messenger oar.  
  
Oar Number 1 took out a sword (somehow..) and sliced the messenger oar into tiny pieces of wood.  
  
"Don't..kill..the messenger oar.." gasped the oar with its final breaths.  
  
#*#*#  
  
Somewhere in Koenma's secret lab..  
  
"Yum! I love Toblerone!"  
  
Koenma was shoveling foreign-chocolate-bar after foreign-chocolate-bar into his mouth non-stop. George the Oni looked on hungrily.  
  
"You're not even going to share, Lord Koenma?" he asked hopefully.  
  
Koenma placed a yellow Starburst candy into George's hand.  
  
"Lord Koenma! You know NOBODY likes yellow!" George pouted.  
  
"You get what you get, Oni," Koenma said. George groaned.  
  
Botan rushed into the room overly-dramatically.  
  
"HAIL LORD KOENMA!" she shouted. "Yusuke and friends have just entered the secret entranceway!"  
  
"What?!" shouted Koenma, who winced as the Spirit World Drugs wore off and his headache returned. "You can't let them get the---"  
  
George the Oni choked on the yellow Starburst and fell over.  
  
"I won't, Lord Koenma!" Botan saluted and left.  
  
Koenma looked down at George.  
  
"You'll have to try better than that to get any Toblerone from ME, Oni!"  
  
George rolled around on the ground making weird noises.  
  
#*#*#  
  
END CHAPTER ONE!  
  
By the way, Kuwabara's NOT dead.  
  
Now review.  
  
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